It doesn’t matter what anyone says, there is no such thing as being perfect. I wish I had realized that a long time ago. No person or relationship will ever reach the epidemy of perfection. Social media has so many people fooled these days. You look at someone’s wall and immediately think, wow, that family has it all together; their perfect smiles, their perfect lives and their perfect house. But, looks can be deceiving.
As I began to process my healing, I realized over time, that the ME, the one who no one sees when I’m a hot mess, the one who cusses when I stub my toe against the couch and the one who probably takes a gazillion pictures before picking the one that my eye’s are not shut in, is the same person who is not perfect.
You see, I was that person who thought everything about me had to be perfect for people to love me. The more I tried, the more people seemed to find a reason to blame me for something or other. This happened pretty much my whole life. I tried and tried but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t get it just right. Not school, not my relationships, not work and not my marriage. After many years of suffering through verbal abuse (and this is actually a thing), I finally came to a place where I cried out for help.
God wasn’t the first person I cried out to, surprisingly. It was me. I took a long hard look at my life and finally had to ask myself. Do I really want to be free from trying to be perfect or was I just complaining out loud because I like to hear myself talk? We do that you know. We complain to others how we are mad at people or situations, but when it comes down to getting help, we don’t do it because complaining feels so much better.
After finally asking myself that real question, if I truly wanted to be free, it still took me 1 year to give myself the answer I knew I needed.
I needed help. Like seriously.
Not one person could tell me that it was going to be ok and someday I was going to be loved for being perfect. That’s when I cried out to God. Only then, was He able to intervene and help me. I couldn’t blame people for not coming to my rescue. I couldn’t blame my family for not seeing how desperate I was, and I couldn’t even blame God because in all honesty, He was always waiting on me, not the other way around.
Its been 2 years that I’ve walked in the not so perfect me. Has it been easy? Yeah, no. Its been really hard. As a matter of fact, sometimes I hated that things didn’t work out the way I wanted them to. I was mad that I had no control over certain situations and I was mad because I couldn’t change anything outside of me.
So, did I still have to deal with the whispers? Yeah, that never went away. I would be lying to say it will. You see, nothing changed from the outside. From the outside, you will always have those who know better than you how you should do your life. So even after all this, I was still surrounded with that. So, what did change?
ME. I changed. I broke out from that shell of condemnation, fear and having to do everything perfect for everyone, including myself and I just started to live my life doing me. Plain ole me. The one who still closes her eyes in pictures. The one who laughs at her own jokes. The one who talks with her hands, and the one who still makes mistakes and will continue to until the day I go home to be with Jesus.
But this time, I love where I’m at. I don’t let words or phrases hurt me. I don’t allow myself to have to get things right all the time, and in this process, I realized something so cool.
“I am the best ME that I am going to be.”
A beautiful young woman told me that once and I tucked that away in my heart and have lived it out every day since then.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to allow yourself to be human and grow and mature even if you fail in the process. Failure doesn’t disqualify you from life, but it teaches you to become stronger. You learn to stand when you feel like you’re gonna fall. You learn to love yourself in the middle of a crisis and you keep pushing even when you want to quit.
The next time you think you have to be perfect; look in the mirror and say, “you’re not going to get things right all the time, but you are strong, you’ve made it in spite of your failures, and you’ve never stopped being good enough for God.
Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God
Most women had a diary when they were younger where they wrote down their most intimate thoughts. Now a day it’s called journaling, but regardless of what you call it, it’s a place to jot down our dreams, our struggles or even our desires. Over the last several months I had the privilege of talking to different women and asking them when it comes to dating and/or getting married in today’s day and age, what are they looking for in a potential mate? I wrote this because I felt the need share the hearts of beautiful, healthy, stable women who are still single, and are asking the BIG question;
Dear Diary- Where is my husband?
Now before I continue, my “experience” of being a single woman has only been 5 years. I have friends who have been single, 10, 18 and 23 years and to my surprise, they are still waiting patiently for God to bring them their husband.
From many women the question that I hear the most is: Do good men really exist, are they truly out there?
As I share my story, I pray it brings hope to my single women friends. Trust me, you’re not forgotten, and the Lord sees the desire of your heart for a future mate.
After my late husband committed suicide, I started counseling about 6 months after he had passed. I remember going in to speak to my pastor and boldly told him “Well, I’m ready to be married again”. To my shock, he giggled and said, “um no you’re not”. I was a little offended that he wasn’t seeing that I was truly ready. I gathered that he just didn’t care or understand, so I went home determined to prove him wrong.
Now 5 years later, my pastor who is also my very good friend, laugh about that story. The reason I’m sharing that vulnerable part of me is because I really wasn’t ready to get married again, in fact, I was so broken and unable to communicate with men that if I had gotten in a relationship, it would have been extremely unhealthy for me and unfair for the man.
So, then you ask, how do you know when you’re ready? Well I can’t speak for all you ladies out there, but for me personally, I knew I was ready when God healed me from the hatred towards men.
Yes, you heard me right! You see, I didn’t know I had a hatred towards men because I was so busy “looking” for a man that I didn’t have time to process my pain. This pain went deeper than just my late husband, it took me back to my relationship with my dad. The feelings of unworthiness, being rejected and always searching for love in all the wrong places (that’s a song by the way) had me looking for the wrong thing.
I was looking for validation from a man because I never got it from my dad or my late husband. Validation is important. As children, if we don’t get validated from our parents, we grow up with a sense of longing for something, but we never know what it is. For men, they may go out and sow their royal oats per say, for women, they may feel the need to try to impress or get the man’s attention but don't realize why.
Its an endless hole that is always trying to be filled with the wrong thing. When praying for your future husband ladies, I want to share some wisdom with you. Again, this is my own personal experience, but I feel in my heart it could speak to many of you.
First thing, make sure you are healed. Now does this mean you have to be 100% healed? In my own opinion, we will only be 100% when we get to heaven. But if we’re are here on earth, there will always be something we will walk through. Even the Apostle Paul, with everything he did after his conversation to Christ, still had to walk out many things. He never got rid of the thorn in his flesh. (2Cor 12:7)
Second, thing is (and I learned this too), you don’t have to go on an expedition to find your husband. The bible says: Prov 18:22 -The man who finds a wife, finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD
OK now let me break the stigma of what many think this scripture means. Does it mean that we stay home, watch TV and never leave the house, and God will miraculously drop our future husband on our door step and boom he finds us? No- that is not what it means. I used to believe this and that is why I would tell my friends, I was going to pray that God give my future husband a GPS, because I thought he got lost and he's not stopping to ask for directions to my house, ha ha.
However, what this scripture is saying, is women you don’t have to go out and hunt down every single man in church to see if he’s your potential husband. You could very well find yourself saying, oh maybe that’s him, wait no that’s him, oh wait no that’s him. You get what I’m saying here.
You are to be present, and available but not screaming “I AM HERE COME TO ME”. Less is more and trust me, when its God’s timing, your husband will find you. Look at the book of Ruth!
Boaz didn’t just see her, he “heard” about her. Ruth 2: 11 Boaz replied, “I’ve been told all about what you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband—how you left your father and mother and your homeland and came to live with a people you did not know before. 12 May the Lord repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge.”
Third; modesty IS a beautiful thing. Now I know we all want to look nice, and I get that. But you don’t have to wear short skirts and open cleavage to get the attention of a man. You may attract something you didn’t bargain for. Yep I said it. You don’t have to agree, but if you truly love yourself, a Godly man can be enticed by your heart, not your chest or your bottom.
1Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
Now does it mean you dress down, never wear make up and leave your hair looking like a hot mess? OMG please do not do that. I’m simply saying, your beauty has to first be inward, and it will reflect the outward.
Last, not every many you date is the “ONE”. I have heard of women going out on dates, only to become best friends with the guy they dated. It wasn’t a bad thing, it just wasn’t a God thing. Its ok to date, but if you’re going to date, date intentional. I recently went out for the first time since 1988. (Like I’m being for real here.) I had not dated since I went out with my late husband. That’s been 30 years! A lot of dating rules have changed in 30 years. I honestly had (and probably still have) no earthly idea how to date. I had weird silences, talked too much and didn’t fully know how to show how I felt. I was pretty blessed to have such a kind and easy-going man who was sweet enough to understand my complete awkwardness.
What this experience did do for me, was show me I didn’t hate men, I loved being around different personalities, I wasn’t going to find my husband in my living room, and it awakened feelings in my heart I thought were dead. I experienced butterflies, nervousness and excitement all at the same time. All those feelings, were still there in my heart, but I had buried them after my husband passed away. Experiencing this made me feel as if I was 17 years old again and it was absolutely amazing!
Today, I want to encourage all of my beautiful single women friends. Your husband is not lost, he is not going to come to your living and he is not going to be the first guy you see at church. What I will tell you is, wherever your “BOAZ” is, as you go and do your thang for Jesus, whether its ministry, being a full time mom or student, going to bible college, working a full time job; as you keep your eyes focused on the Lord, the time will come when your husband comes and finds you.
Is it ok to admire one’s handsomeness? Yes, that is ok to think a man is handsome. Don’t get caught up in religion here, you are human after all.
The important thing is to continue to be you. Love God, love people, and as you’re “doing” he will come.
I’d love to hear your comments!
~Broken Beautiful Ministries
Chrissie Moore is a mother and grandmother from Keller Texas. She is a survivor of mental, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. She has a passion to help other women who are seeking freedom.