A couple of weeks ago I attended a night of worship. I love worship because it’s a huge weapon against the enemy. My morning worship in my car is my time with the Lord. I dive right in and I can hardly wait to get into Gods presence.
As I jumped in one morning, the Lord told me that He wanted to show me something.
I was still driving but it felt like I was standing right there with him.
Many of you know that I share openly about the abuse I suffered in my marriage. I do this to help women see the effects of abuse and what it does. I have been healed (in waves) over the last 5 years and its been beautiful. Now I know God heals instantaneously for many, but for me, it was a process I had to work out.
As the Lord took my hand, He put me in middle of a big field. I looked around and it was very big, it was even kind of scary. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “Do not move from here, I will be right back for you; everything will be OK.” As I looked around I saw black wolves, fierce lions, snakes and many other animals starting to surround me. I was afraid, I was very afraid. I kept looking at them and I knew they wanted to kill me.
I was immediately back in the place of my previous years of abuse.
He took me back there, but why?
I could hear growling sounds coming from the animals, they tried to attack me several times, but I just stood there. The Lord was nowhere to be found. Then again, He was in front of me and said, “Chrissie, I don’t want you to move, stay right here, I will be right back.”
So, I asked him "Where are you going Lord?”
He said; “I must go get Chris.” (Chris was my late husband and it felt as if I was back in time.) I raised my voice and said; “Wait, you’re leaving me here, in all this… for Chris?” Why? How? What are you doing?"
He answered “I must go get him Chrissie; I always leave the 99 for the ONE.” Matt 18:12
I stood there crying as He walked away. Tons of emotions flooded me. My mind was racing… How could He leave ME (the victim) and go get him the (abuser) why? Why would he leave me here to fight these things alone, knowing they want to kill me?
The noises got louder, the sky got darker and there I was… just standing. I didn’t quote scripture, I didn’t command the animals to flee, I didn’t worship, I didn’t do anything… I just stood there.
Then after what seemed like forever, He came back. Immediately as He walked towards me all the wolves left, the lions ran, and snakes disappeared. The noises stopped, it was finally quiet. I could feel peace come over me like a warm blanket. I burst into tears because to be honest, I was so scared.
He looked at me and said again; “I will always go after the ONE Chrissie, ALWAYS”.
I dropped to my knees and it hit me. It was an overwhelming love that I have never felt before. It was bigger than anything I could ever comprehend. Then He began to mend my wounds.
As I looked at my body it was all scratched up. I saw what seemed like hundreds of bruises. I was bloody and scared. I was covered in what seemed like feces and dirt.
Still….. the Lord kept mending me, wiping off all the junk. How did I not see this before? I didn’t even know I was covered in these.
I kept crying but this time not from fear but from a place of thankfulness.
The Lord began taking special care of me, just like a mother would her child. He didn’t say anything, He just began to cover my wounds one by one.
Finally, it was too much for me, I had to ask Him, I needed to know. I asked “Lord, you left me here in ALL this and you chased after Chris?”
He smiled at me and said “Yes, but its OK now and I am going to heal you.”
Again, His love poured over me and it hit me…. it hit me hard.
It wasn’t like the Lord explained it to me, but I just knew in my heart what he was saying:
“ You see the abuser was also once the victim, and I had to go after him. I also love the abuser. I died for the abuser just like I died for the victim.”
For the first time in 7 years, I knew what it was like to have compassion on an abuser.
Please don’t get me wrong I didn’t hate them, I just couldn’t grasp how Jesus, My Jesus could love a man who sexually abused me, who mentally emotionally, verbally, physiologically and physically abused me and my daughter and that’s not including how he did my boys.
Yet he left me….. to run after him?
It felt like I was crying from the deepest part of my heart and after getting my composer I was able to mutter this out: “Lord, I cannot even began to fathom how great your love is. I don't understand it, but I know now, that it is not my place to judge the abuser, because you died for them just like you died for me.”
I shared this very intimate story today because maybe you have someone who abused you think you could never forgive them.
Trust me, I understand your pain.
But I no longer see the abuser as the monster, I see them as a person who was also abused and hurt. Yet Jesus, because He loves us so much, wants us ALL to come to Him…even the abuser which could mean, the molester, rapist, the murderer.
He sure did leave me, but he also ran in pursuit after my late husband.
He loved him too.
I am now free from pain, that was once buried in my heart.
The other part I want to tell you, is- I stood.
I thought I only stood because of fear. But the Lord showed me that it wasn’t fear that kept me standing, it was HIS WORD that was already in me.
Ephesians 6:13-14 says it best..
Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. STAND!
The lord knew what He was doing and me… well, I just kept standing. I stood and stood and stood.
If you are here today and feel like you’ve been standing but nothing is happening, that is not true. You are standing and that is a BIG deal. When we keep standing on Gods word, it doesn’t always come out the way we think it will.
Let the Lord keep working.
If you are here today and you need to forgive the monster that was in your life, just remember, as much as they hurt you, they are not the real enemy and Jesus will still make sure to go after them because He loves them more than you or I could ever truly grasp.
Maybe you have a son, daughter or even a spouse that you’ve been standing in the gap for and it seems like nothing is happening.
I’m here to tell you that my Jesus, always… and I mean always leaves the 99 for the ONE.
He’s not done, and neither are you….one healing wave at a time.
~Broken Beautiful Ministries
Chrissie Moore is a mother and grandmother from Keller Texas. She is a survivor of mental, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse. She has a passion to help other women who are seeking freedom.