Process your pain, or Fake your FINE

Now there’s a word…. FINE

It’s the word I used when I didn’t want to answer that question of “How are you doing?”
Somehow, I thought that word was like magic. It would literally make people smile and walk away. They wouldn’t ask me anymore questions.
I mean if I said I was doing OK, then it could open the conversation for “what’s wrong” or “are you sure you’re OK?”

But what if I told you that “fine” isn’t fine.

In Webster’s dictionary, there are so many definitions for this word. But I chose to use: Obsolete, end, or conclusion.
In other words, fine means; end of conversation, so don’t ask me again.

Several years ago, I was battling a very deep depression. I remember not wanting to come out of my room or talk to anyone. I had literally been sleeping for 3 days. I hadn’t eaten or seen the light of day.

My kids (who still lived with me) were 19 & 15. They begged me to come out of the room and spend time with them.
With every fiber of my being, I wanted to, but I was so out of it, that I just couldn’t bring myself to engage with anyone.

They finally decided to call a couple that I had recently become friends with. Now mind you, I didn’t know these people very well. I knew them because I was going to their 12-step program at church. So, its not like we were “good friends” or anything.

Then without me knowing, they showed up at my house…. and I was LIVID!

My kids thought if they came over, I would “have to” get out of my room and socialize. I knew they wanted to help me, but at the time, I was extremely angry they were there. 

I got dressed, fixed myself the best I could and walked downstairs.

I smiled and pretended to be “fine”.

The minute I came down I gave my kids the death stare.

Ya'll  know about the death stare, right? Well for those of you that don’t; it’s the “look” you give someone when they are in DEEP trouble because they told your business.

The guy (who is now my best friend) asked me what was wrong? I said “nothin I’m fine”. He kept asking.... OVER…. AND OVER…. AND OVER.
The more he asked, the angrier I became.

I became so enraged that I couldn’t hold my emotions in anymore.
I felt something well up from deep inside of me. It felt like I was about to explode. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was going to die.

Finally, after what seemed like 30 minutes (which was only like 2), I screamed at the top of my lungs:
“I don’t know how to grieve the man I loved and the man I hated”.

It felt like I had just vomited over everyone. But it felt good. Like good vomit. Is that even a thing?

Heck I don’t know, but for the first time, I felt lighter, I felt like I could breathe again, and I finally understood that I had never processed my pain.

Since I couldn’t put words to my pain, I never truly worked through it.

I’m sharing this story today because if you want to heal properly, you gotta stop faking your fine and put a name to your pain.

In other words, process through your situation. It could be your divorce, the loss of a child, parent or best friend. It could be you were raped, molested, verbally abused or even neglected and abandoned.
 I’m sure the list could go on and on. But when you don’t process your pain, you’ll always live in a state of fine.
Today I want you to know, there is hope and I want to share my nuggets that helped me process my pain.

Acknowledge the hurt
You can’t pretend this didn’t happen. You must be willing to put a name to the pain and work through it. Once you recognize what you are trying to cover up, you can take the next step to your healing.

Make a choice
You are going to have to choose to get better. You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken, but when you know what it is, now you have the power to change it.  

Walk it out
Change isn’t change unless its changed (Edwin Louis Cole).
Change is done daily. It means unlearning bad behaviors and breaking the cycle of the victim mentality.  It won’t be easy. I prayed for God to send me help. And he did, that night. Trust me, the help didn’t come in the way I thought I needed it, but God knew exactly what he was doing.

Finally: Forgive yourself for thinking you could have done more!
So many times, we feel like we didn’t pray enough, fast enough, use enough scripture etc. What helped me the most was realizing it was not my fault that my husband committed suicide.
People make choices and sometimes it’s the wrong choice. This doesn’t mean I didn’t pray hard enough, it means God gives us free will.  After I accepted that it wasn’t my fault, I was able to forgive myself and move forward to walk out the process.

Please understand, I didn't do this alone. Jesus was with me through the entire process.  I prayed for wisdom, guidance and strength. I read God's word. I worshiped. 
But all of this would not have helped me if i hadn't "applied" the principles and walked out the process. 
 
Don’t ever give up on YOU because you ARE worth the fight for your freedom!
 
Rom. 8:37-  1 Tim. 6:12- Ps. 18:39
 
~Broken Beautiful Ministries 
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